Tout and be damned

If you're stupid, and flash enough, you can buy tickets to see Take That for approximately £600 on eBay. How you react to that news probably defines your character as a human. If you look on it as an example of enterprising young businessmen acquiring tickets and then re-selling them at a profit, then you believe strongly in the free-market economy that governs most facets of our lives. If however you see it as a gross manifestation of human cupidity, then you are probably a music fan.


The growth of this market is explained away by eBay as being entirely legitimate, if one wishes to re-sell one's property, then why not? Nothing illegal about that here in England. However, gigs are already vastly over-priced to feed all the various snouts in the music-trough. Touting grants a new layer of charges. Discerning music fans are just paying tribute to the cowardly touts who hide behind usernames on eBay.

I live with a girl who is an internet tout, a semi-interesting character, she fulfils every negative stereotype one could have of lesbians. Her constant justification for her actions is that she needs the money, and can't find a job. This is patent nonsense, the indolent freak simply doesn't want to join all the other battery-farm students crammed into bars and restaurants waiting on others. I knew something was going on when I first met her and asked her name. In a strange, unearthly tone she replied ‘I am Legion, for we are many’. A cursory glance at eBay confirms this; the sheer number of tickets that fail to reach their reserve prices and are effectively wasted is staggering. I made four attempts to get information from eBay’s press room on statistics of wasted tickets and in each case they either didn’t call me back or deleted my unread emails. This speaks of a terrible naivete, ignoring the problem will only inflame it.

The fact that a fellow student is participating in this is so abhorrent to me that I can think that the only way to prevent this vile trade is to use football style naming on the tickets. Introduced, admittedly, to prevent hooliganism, this can surely be adapted to prevent larceny. Or alternatively, promoters could do an Eavis and insist upon face pictures for the ticket. Most of these traitors have pictures of themselves in bizarre poses on their Myspace pages, so why not on their tickets? If something is not done soon, I will personally start a campaign that our incoming Stalinesque prime minister live-up to his name and institute show trials to wipe out these vermin.

In the mean time, I'll merely hide my housemate’s chocolate.

George Hunter